1:17 AM. Tears streaming down my eyes, my heart is wrenched, torn within me...you lay oblivious to how much hurt you've caused me. Holding a knife in my hands, ready to slice my wrists, the pain I feel is so deep. My heart is...dead. You've changed so much. I cannot be a quiet little wife who will just listen to everything you tell me, even though its wrong. That was one of the reasons why you fell in love with me... because I spoke my mind. And now you're cursing at me for it. If you loved me then you wouldn't curse at me or stab my heart with so much hurt and pain. And if I loved you... then I wouldn't even be here... staying with you, standing by your side. So what the hell are we doing??

I never thought that in a million years, I could end up feeling so exanimate with the man I gave my soul to. I used to think that he gave me the world, but how can someone give anyone the world, when its not even theirs to give to you...

Promising me never to drink whiskey again, yet going back on your promise with me right infront of you. Its not really the poison that you drink that bothers me, its the person you become when you're drinking it. You said you'd never hurt me or leave me crying. I cried, tears streaming down my eyes...still you leave. Watching you walk out the door, and you knowing I'm sitting here crying, hurts beyond words ever told. Staying up till 4am...calling you numerous times...no answer...and when you do finally answer, you tell me you don't know where you are, obviously in a drunken state again. My eyes are swollen, I feel emotionally drained...weak. I have a business meeting tomorrow, and I just want to sleep. If I could ask for anything, anything at all. It would be for you to stop drinking. Still, when you came home lastnight, I was up waiting for you. You don't notice that my eyes are swollen. You fall on the floor, try to open a can of milk with a fork, and mumble nonsense. I put you to sleep...hold you, still...loving you. I know that when you wake up, you will have no remembrance of all that happened lastnight. You will have no idea how much you hurt me. You're killing me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the wrong one...for holding on so long, to someone that can't change. You were not like this before. You cared before.

This is what I have to do as my let out. You know about my other blog. And so do many others. So this is where I tell you how I really feel without you knowing. In the short period of time that we've been married...its been quite the ride. But never once have I stopped loving you. You have hurt me beyond words could ever express. And I plan on writing it all down here because everytime I even try to tell you how I feel...you have nothing to say. You don't say you're sorry or hug me or let me know that you love me. You cheat on me emotionally. You give me everything I've ever wanted...materially. But what I ask for the most is your love, you as a man, you, for you, the person I fell in love with. Its too late now. I'm married to you. I still...will never leave you. I think you know that.